Neverending Endings

Today I am going to make a complaint. Well, it's a complaint disguised as a movie review. I'll be like those two muppet geezers in the balcony hurling snarkiness from on high.

 I'm talking about movies that don't know how to wrap it up. And that's not counting waiting through ten minutes of closing credits to see some little sight gag or secret set-up for a sequel. And yes, I am sure if I was going to a normal adult, well made movie like Silver Linings Playbook, rather than a giant nerdfest of a summer blockbuster designed for 16 year old boys then I would not even have a complaint at all, but I save my serious viewing for Netflix these days and skip off to the movies to see these films that appeal to my inner child and need a big, fat screen to accomodate all the epicness.
   So, here's the deal with Iron Man 3. It's a good film, better than Iron Man 2, for sure, maybe on par with Iron Man 1, but not as good as The Avengers. That film had wit and humour and loads of character interactions and bondings, even if those aliens destroying New York took their sweet time about it at the end.

On the plus side they all have Robert Downey Jr. in them (although I enjoy a little Don Cheadle in the mix, so thanks for including him in IM3). I would never go see a film like Transformers (although by accident I did), and I might think about the X-Men series (Patrick Stewart and High Jackman, you may just lure me in!), but Iron Man 3 has some major things going for it, not the least of which  is just letting Tony Stark banter, with everything and everyone. More banter please. My favorite, and unexpected, part of Iron Man 3 was when he crashed in Tennessee and made friends with that kid, Harley. Nothing makes me happier than seeing Tony get smartass with a smartass kid. More banter, in flannel and caps. No sentimentality but great bonding. I also enjoy watching him tinker in his workshop with his long suffering robot. And, wow, I did like the clever twist involving the Mandarin. Ben Kingsley is such a sly actor. Plus I loved Tony and Pepper's Malibu home. Too bad about those rocket launchers.

But, of course, I know I'm going to get lots of action and CG and giant things crashing down, but after awhile it does tend to go on. Especially at the extra-gigantic, motherload of all action sequences finales of these kinds of films. A grand finale should be a huge woosh of a roller coaster ride and then it's over, leaving you wanting more but knowing you will throw up if it goes around again. These days every action film has a finale that just does not know when to quit. Literally ad nauseum. It goes on, and on, and on. Did they finally kill the bad guy? Oh psych, just kidding. He takes an awful lot of killing so if you need to go to the bathroom this is a good moment. Remember that giant thing that blew up and crashed into more giant things? Well, there are more giant things to blow up (San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge has been destroyed so many times in movies, not to mention swarmed with angry apes, that I don't know why they don't just paint a giant target on it. And I suspect that Star Trek Into Darkness is about to give it another beating. More about that later). There's a reason I don't see these films in 3-D, otherwise I feel like I'm in an astronaut training course seeing how many G's I can stand before blacking out, or I'm being bombarded with images like some Manchurian Candidate being prepped by the Commies to assassinate a world leader.
So Iron Man 3, after a lot of other action sequences including a clever "monkeys in a barrel" bit finally goes into its 30 minute slam bang finale right around five o'clock when I am already fantasizing about a glass of wine and a cheesy quesadilla with guacamole for supper. Not only that but the theatre smells a bit funny like some kid peed in his pants at the earlier show (which reminds me, parents, don't bring your five year old to this film and then wonder why he's a traumatized bedwetter. What's fun and loud to you is overwhelming for his little brain.)
OK, back to the endless ending. Stuff is falling over, people are blowing up, Tony has been crashed and bashed about so much he should be on life support by now, Pepper is dangling off something for about 10 minutes, then she glows for about another ten minutes, the President is strung up like a metal deer carcass, the bad guys just won't stay dead........yeah, a glass of wine, I'm going to put on some pajamas and check my Facebook page....do I need to pee?...I think I can hold it if this film ever ends.......do I still have a square of Dove dark chocolate at the bottom of my purse?......my thighs are sticking together, time to cross the other leg over.....wait, what just happened, did the bad guy stay dead this time? They all look like they need some first aid and a hot shower. Hmm, everything got quiet. What is this silence? I am confused. Oh, I see, it's the epilogue. I hope it's not like the Lord of the Rings epilogue in Return of the King. That was 45 minutes long. And yes it did take Frodo a long time to get up that mountain and toss that ring.
   And that, in a nutshell, is why most action movies, and this movie review, go on too long. However, I have not yet seen Star Trek Into Darkness, and if that finale involves Benedict Cumberbatch running endlessly around in tight black lycra with floppy hair then I may have to amend my opinion.